Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience.
♪ 'cause baby tonight ♪
♪♪
****
Oh, oh, Miss Jennifer Hollilday, we loved you in Dreamgirls,
and in fact, Peter sang "And I'm Telling you I'm not Going" at our wedding.
Uh-oh.
And I played the same part that you played in Dreamgirls.
and they said I was the best ****.
That's nice.
♪ I've won the ♪♪♪ Critics Choice Award. ♪
♪ I've got two Grammys and a ♪
♪ Tony ♪
♪ oh, ye-ea-ea-ah! ♪
You win!
You've got a nice set of pipes, girl.
Oh, she's got a great demo.
Well, I would love to hear it some...
I'll go get it!
She can just give it to my producer.
He's right over there.
- Oh, my God, Elliot? - You know him?
I don't wanna talk about it.
I got naked in his hot tub,
and he and his ex-wife walked in on me.
Man, I miss L.A.
I love you, Jennifer Holliday!
Oh, God, oh, God.
Seeing Elliot is going to be awful.
Fran, he's back together with his wife.
I'm sure your name doesn't even come up.
All right, maybe when they're in the jacuzzi
they have a laugh about you sitting there naked,
waiting to have sex with him.
[Laughs] That's not funny.
I'm only laughing 'cause he's coming over
and I want him to think I've moved on
and him being here isn't killing me.
[Laughs]
- Fran? - Oh, Elliot, hi.
- What a surprise. - Yeah, how are you?
- Oh, well... - I haven't seen you since...
Oh, that horrible back spasm that I had
when I had to take that emergency hot tub.
And I hope that, you know, your ex-wife Audrey
didn't think that I was being rude
because I had to get out of there so quickly.
Actually, she was okay with that.
Oh, good, good.
A little ticked you took her robe.
Oh... oh, I thought that was yours.
She's a big-boned gal, huh?
I'm glad that, you know, you and Audrey
are back together and happy.
To tell you the truth, things aren't going so great.
Oh, Elliot, I'm... I'm so sorry.
♪ she was certain that he was her one and only ♪
♪ but their union always seemed a little forced ♪
♪ she got married anyway ♪
♪ turns out that he was gay ♪
♪ they're still in love, but now she's happily divorced ♪
Peter, I know in my heart that Elliot
wants to get back together.
I mean, why else would he say
that he and Audrey weren't happy?
Fran, you know your history with this guy.
I get that he's gorgeous. And strapping.
And looks like a young Kris Kristofferson.
And... totally lost my train of thought.
Peter.
So did I.
Look, did he say he wants you back?
Well, not in so many words.
All right, what exactly did he say?
Oh, I don't know. I wasn't listening.
I kind of got lost in his stubble.
Fran, don't do this to yourself.
'Cause right now Elliot is in Malibu with his ex-wife.
They're soaking in the jacuzzi of shattered dreams.
He said things.
Yeah, well, unless those things
were, "I left her, I want you,
and Peter can borrow the beach house on off days,"
he's not the right man for us.
[Doorbell rings]
Oh, who's that at this hour?
- Who is it? - It's Elliot.
Oh, my God, Peter.
- Fran. - Peter.
Fran.
Yes.
I'm sorry, I know it's late, but I saw your lights were on,
and I really wanted to talk to you.
All right. Let's go talk on the porch.
- Fran. - Peter!
I am so glad that we bumped into each other tonight.
Listen, before you say anything more...
I have to tell you that I know that you and Audrey
are still living together,
and I feel very uncomfortable about that
and this whole situation.
You are so gorgeous,
I just can't stop thinking about you.
Go on.
And about Audrey... whatever was wrong
with our marriage is still wrong.
But you're still together, and I really don't know
what you have in mind here,
but I personally feel very uncomfortable
being with somebody while they're still
living with their ex.
You're still living with your ex.
He's gay.
The only sexual experience we share
is fantasizing about you.
I gotta be honest...
not really comfortable with that.
Look, I am going to tell Audrey that it's over.
Well, that's totally up to you
and a choice that only you can make.
When might that be?
[Both laughing]
Have dinner with me on Friday.
Well, if it's really over between you and Audrey,
I'd love to. Oh, no, I can't.
- I'm gonna be in Las Vegas. - What's the problem?
I can fly up there and meet you.
Go on.
I can be there by 10:00.
Order us a bottle of champagne.
Strawberries?
Chocolate.
Friday.
I had a kiss I had to put somewhere.
[Speaking spanish]
Bueno. Adios.
Cesar, what's going on?
It is my wife. She's telling me
that I must go to her mother's birthday
and that I cannot go with you to Las Vegas
for the flower convention.
But I told her, I am my own man,
this is my job, and I am going!
- To her mother's birthday? - Yes, have fun in Vegas.
Oh, great.
Who's gonna come with me to the flower convention?
Well, maybe somebody who stole your youth
and still owes you big-time.
- Yeah! - No.
Come on, Peter. It'll be fun.
Oh, yeah, Vegas in August.
Was hell booked?
Here's the deal.
If you come with me to the flower show,
I promise that I will never again
bring up the fact that you came out and ruined my life.
- For real? - No.
Heh heh heh heh.
But Liza's playing. I'll get you a ticket.
Oh, Fran, you don't have to bribe me with a Liza ticket.
I'll just come and help you.
- For real? - No.
Heh heh heh heh.
[Grunting]
Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh!
[Screams]
[Knock on door]
Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh!
- Elliot? - No, it's me.
Oh, thank God, get in here.
I need you to help me with this dress.
Oh, here, come here.
- Help me. - All right, all right.
- So tight. - Jeez.
- What? - Get the straps...
- let me put this... - All right, hold on.
You know what? Be careful.
- Don't get my hair. - I got it, hold on.
Okay... [Grunts] Ah! Ah!
- Okay, hook it, hook it! - I'm hooking, I'm hooking!
Ahh!
- Ooh... oh, God. - Whoo.
[Sighs]
Remember when we used to do this in reverse?
Yeah.
How do I look?
- You look fantastic. - Thank you.
Elliot is such a lucky guy.
I'm proud of you, sweetie.
- Have a good time. - Yeah, you too.
- Hey, Fran. - Yeah?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Don't do that.
♪ Elliot ♪
[sighs]
[Phone rings] Oh!
Oh, hello? Elliot, hi.
Are you here? Are you in the lobby?
Oh.
Wasn't Liza amazing? And that dancing.
That, sir, is a living endorsement
for artificial hips. [Laughs]
Well, I didn't really notice.
I was busy looking at the guy sitting next to me.
Oh, really? Was he cute?
Oh, me! [Laughs] I'm sorry.
You know what I thought?
I thought you were talking about the...
- Open the door. - All right.
- [Whining] Peter... - Oh, boy.
Work, work, work, work.
Peter is that you?
Here, you try it.
Hurry, hurry.
Peter...
Oh... oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea.
Uh, go, have a good time.
Honey, what's the matter? Is it Elliot?
Yes, but it's okay. It's okay, it's okay.
I'm so sorry.
My ex-wife, 18 years.
I hope you understand.
Oh, you have no idea.
Should I wait?
[Cries]
No.
Franny, honey?
What's the matter, sweetheart?
Elliot didn't come. He doesn't love me!
Oh, now, don't jump to conclusions.
Come on. Maybe he got hit by a bus or...
died.
No, he called.
He said he broke up with his wife,
but he's all confused and...
the timing just isn't right!
Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry.
Here. I'm here. I'm here.
Oh, Peter.
Even though you ruined my life and you stole my youth,
you're the only man I can ever count on.
Franny, you know what we're gonna do
to make you feel better?
Order a lasagna?
No. We are gonna forget about Elliot,
and we're gonna paint the town.
This is Vegas, baby!
The night is youngish... and so are we.
Sort of.
Come on! [Claps] Let's go.
We're gonna hit the bars.
We're gonna throw back some cocktails.
This is sin city! We're gonna find you a hot guy
and let the sinnin' be beginnin'.
- Okay, I'll go. - Ah, that's my girl.
Let me just see what I look like.
Oh, my God. Look at me.
I look like a cheap hooker.
All right, let's go before it wears off.
Ohh...
Unh.
What did I do?
'Scuse me, sir?
Sir?
- Peter! - Morning, Fran.
What are you doing in my bed?
- No idea. - Well, what are you
even doing my room?
Well, how do you know it's not my room?
All these rooms look exactly the...
wait. You have a kitchenette.
Who cares? Your room, my room...
- why are we in bed together? - I don't know.
The last thing I remember
was being drunk at Cirque Du Soleil
and screaming, "somebody's gonna die!"
I'll never drink this much again.
Oh, I feel so... oh, my God, Peter.
You have a major hickey.
I do? Who could have given me a...
Fran?
Peter... you don't think that we...
No.
Do you?
I don't know. Are we naked?
I have to say, I was little surprised
to hear from you after what happened
in Vegas a couple of weeks ago.
But you know what they say... what happens in Vegas...
stays in Vegas.
Nothing happened in Vegas.
Well, then it's a good thing we're in L.A.,
because from the mountains to the prairies
- to the oceans... - What are you talking about?
I don't know. Do you still like me?
- Two more, please. - Oh!
- Peter! - Why does this keep happening?
Oh, Peter, I have something very big to tell you.
I have something to tell you too.
- This involves Las Vegas. - So does mine.
Remember the guy from the hallway... with the chest?
- Yeah. - He came to L.A. to see me.
Believe me, there's nothing you're gonna say
that's gonna top that. Yeah, well, I think
we had sex in Vegas, and I think I'm pregnant.
How? How is this possible?
A man and a woman fall in love.
They get married. He comes out.
They get divorced. They get drunk in Vegas,
and nine months later,
out pops a very well-dressed child.
I'm late.
I mean, I am never late.
I really think I'm pregnant.
You really have to have your parents here
the night before we do a pregnancy test?
Peter, it's not as if we're gonna spend
the whole night cramming.
Apparently, we already did that.
Okay, kids, enjoy yourselves.
Oh, not too much for Glen.
He gets touchy-feely when he's driving.
Why didn't we just cancel?
Because then they would have thought something was wrong,
they would have come over here anyway,
and then they would have asked us a million questions!
What's going on over there? What's with all the whispering?
What's the big mystery?
Yeah. This is so much better.
Don't do that! The baby!
Shh!
I don't want them getting all wound up.
Don't say the word baby!
So Peter, what's the chef making tonight?
Back ribs.
What the hell's a back rib?
Oh, you mean baby back ribs.
- She knows, she knows! - Peter.
Would you mind going into the kitchen
and checking the placenta... polenta!
Wait a minute. You two never said
how Vegas was... what did you do?
I slept with your daughter, she may be pregnant,
and I saw Liza!
Peter!
Oh... my God!
Okay, now don't overreact.
The only reason why we didn't say anything
- is 'cause we're not 100% sure. - Glen, Glen!
We're gonna be grandparents!
Ma! Put down that phone! Drop it! Drop it!
One person! Just let me tell one person.
Can we all just wait until tomorrow
when I take the pregnancy test
before we start sending out bar mitzvah invitations?
Aww... you two.
Tried for so long to have a baby
and it never happened.
But now, all your dreams could come true.
What dreams, ma?
We're divorced. We're in our mid-forties.
We're trying to live separate lives.
New lives.
It's really not the best time for us to be having a baby.
Sweetheart, you remember the movie Benjamin Button?
Yeah, about the guy that ages backwards.
Well, you're not him.
Well, it says here that it takes three minutes,
and then we'll know.
So set the timer.
Ah...
- Kinda humid today. - Yeah.
Not a dry heat like Vegas.
I think, you know, if it rained...
it would probably be cooler and not as humid.
Yeah. And it would help the drought situation.
Peter, I cannot be a mother!
I couldn't even have a fish!
I didn't know you fed the fish, and then I overfed the fish,
and then I killed the fish.
All right, come on, honey, so you killed a fish.
But look, you take care of flowers.
You nurture them, and they grow and blossom.
Cesar does that.
Oh, Peter, it's just the timing is so off!
I mean, we're just starting our lives as single people.
What if you have a date? What if I have a date?
What if we both have a date on the same night?
- Yeah... - Although, what are the odds
of that happening?
Look, Fran, come on. We have had to face things
that couples just don't have to deal with.
How scary was it when I came out?
But what really changed?
We still live here together.
Apparently, we still have sex together.
So our unusual little family will grow.
Peter, I'm telling you, I am definitely going to be
the worst mother!
Oh, look at her. She's got your smile, Franny.
She's got your hair and your eyes.
[Baby crying] And your voice.
Is she ever going to understand our situation?
Well, I went to the bookstore.
They had my two mommies, my two daddies,
when mommy and daddy get divorced,
but they didn't have when mommy and daddy get divorced,
daddy turns gay and moves into the den.
No, they did not.
No, they did not!
Come to mommy. Good girl.
Come to mommy.
Come to mommy! Yeah, what a good girl.
Oh!
Wait. I know what she wants.
Gimme that. Gimme that.
Gimme that, gimme...
oh, mama knows.
Mama knows.
What a sweet girl.
[Ding]
Should we look at it together?
You ready?
Here we go.
Oh. It's negative.
Good news, huh?
Yeah. Whew.
[Chuckles]
- You okay? - Are you okay?
I'm fine. Sort of.
I'm okay.
- Timing. - Timing.
[Knock at door]
Come in.
It's us.
So what's the news?
Sorry, guys. Wasn't meant to be.
Well, that's perfectly all right, darling.
It's probably for the best.
So, um... so we'll just leave you two alone in case...
[Whispers] you wanna try again.
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